Conversations With Small Dogs: Buddy’s Hourly Diary For 7/9/14, first half

2:00AM     There are THINGS happening outside. The strange little dogs and odd people across the street are plotting something, and I can’t figure it out, so I bark to keep them distracted and off-balance. Eddie and Henry are of no help in this effort whatsoever. I think they may have been replaced with pod dogs. The human is loud, but not helpful. She doesn’t seem to know what we’re barking at. She’s not very bright, I think.

3:00AM     Sleep is nice! Smooshing the human is especially nice! Wait — are the neighbor weirdos plotting again? Can’t tell. Some barking might help.

5:00AM     The weird thing the human carries around all the time makes funny noises, and that’s how I know that IT IS ABOUT TO BE AWESOME! WE ARE AWAKE NOW!

5:30AM     The human does not seem to be as excited about being awake as I am.

6:00AM     Woohoo! Patrol time! The human rigs me out in my Special Crime-Fighting Gear, complete with the safety attachment so she doesn’t get lost when we go outside (she would be so confused if I didn’t lead her everywhere). Yet, wonderful though this is, I am torn — Ed and Henry get those yummy-smelling chewy things and go to their own dens, and I have to wait until I get back for mine. Soooo torn…

6:30AM     Mission accomplished! The human managed to make it down the street and back without getting lost, and I got to pee like a BOSS.



I also did one of my best spinning poop dances yet. I really think I’m onto something here. Rotating a couple of different times in each direction really gives the whole thing some energy, you know?

7:00AM     Return home, get chewy, chill. It’s a thing I do. Henry gets to go on patrol now, and Eddie is cranky about it. Eddie is always cranky, though, so it’s kind of hard to tell whether this is some special irritation about waiting to go on patrol or his general morning crank. I do not care. I have The Chewy.

7:30AM     The human returns, puts Henry in his den, and finally take pissy old Ed for his walk. Henry and I get an additional cookie, because the human really appreciates it when we get her home safely from patrol. Note to self: be sure to pee on all of the places Eddie peed on next time. If you get a chance, pee on Eddie again.

8:00AM     The human brings Eddie back, and now it is the best thing, the most wonderful thing — breakfast! The human grumbles, feeds us in our dens, and leaves.

9:00AM     The human smells extra-interesting when she comes home. She ruins it, though, by going into the little room with all of the water and hosing herself off. It’s just weird when they do that. Humans just don’t know anything, do they?

10:00AM     It is time to move The Blue Blanket. This is an important mission. There are places it has not been yet, and it is my job to move it. Yesterday, we got it as far as the kitchen. Today, I want to leave it on the couch.

11:00AM     Doors are really interesting. Don’t you think they’re cool? I open and close the kitchen door and the den doors a few times, just to watch them swing. Doors are soooo coooool…

12:00PM     The human makes some tasty food. She shares some with us. I have learned that she responds really well to the “sit” command — I sit, and then she gives me what I want! Maybe she’s not so stupid after all.


About L. M. Bernhardt

For a good long while (15 years or so), I taught philosophy at a little private university in northwest IA, and occasionally branched out into playing music, dabbling in photography, experimenting with food, and writing nonsense on my blog. The philosophy teaching part ended in 2017 (program elimination via prioritization), but never fear! I've just finished my MLIS at San Jose State University, and I'm currently on the market looking for new adventures in either philosophy or LIS. For now, I labor at a fairly interesting administrative job in order to support my dogs in the lavish manner to which they've become accustomed.
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