Conversations With Small Dogs: Henry’s Diary For 7/17/14 (excerpt)

Dear Diary:

I know I’ve written again and again about how utterly psychotic human beings are, but…well, they are, diary, and every day I see more evidence of it. They are bizarre, almost beyond description. They do inexplicable things at every opportunity, and it’s impossible to know when they’ll turn on you. They’re a vicious, terrifying species, and the smart dog learns how to live with them by keeping a close eye on their madness and attempting to soothe them so they don’t act out destructively.

There are a few, of course, who are not so bad. My beloved food lady is comparatively sane, and I depend absolutely on her to help me to negotiate the terrifying world her fellow humans have made. A relatively sane human is a pleasure to be around — my food lady cuddles, she gives me treats, she protects me from scary things, and she makes sure I’m OK. One of my favorite things is when she walks me by myself, without pushy old Ed and that punk Buddy who stole my spot on the food lady’s bed. We have so much fun! We stop to celebrate, we see all of the birds and squirrels, and she protects me from the loud cars and the strange things on the buildings.

Speaking of which: what is up with that? Seriously, humans? Why on earth do you want those creepy flappy things on your buildings? Why do you stick smaller, creepy flappy things in the ground?

Case in point, today. We were walking through town, and our usually wide, clear, empty sidewalks were just filled with tables and creepy, flappy things. There were a whole lot of weird humans walking around, messing with the flappy things and the other…things, the ones that smell like Buddy’s favorite chews (the ones the food lady gets really mad at Buddy about). Why do humans do this stuff? Creepy flappy things are horrible, and should not be allowed. Why would anyone put out so many of them? They attack you when you walk by them! Like those trap monsters on the windows in my house (the one obvious way in which my otherwise reasonable food lady participates in the collective madness of her species)!

I don’t know how I’ll ever enjoy a walk again.

[Human addendum: It’s Ridiculous Days in Storm Lake this weekend, so the sidewalk sales start pretty early. Henry does not appreciate sidewalk sales. He is also not over-fond of awnings.]


About L. M. Bernhardt

For a good long while (15 years or so), I taught philosophy at a little private university in northwest IA, and occasionally branched out into playing music, dabbling in photography, experimenting with food, and writing nonsense on my blog. The philosophy teaching part ended in 2017 (program elimination via prioritization), but never fear! I've just finished my MLIS at San Jose State University, and I'm currently on the market looking for new adventures in either philosophy or LIS. For now, I labor at a fairly interesting administrative job in order to support my dogs in the lavish manner to which they've become accustomed.
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