Conversations With Small Dogs: Waking The Food Lady

Buddy’s Top 7 Most Effective Methods for Annoying Waking Up The Human Before Dawn Every Morning, In Order of Subtlety

7. Barking! Always effective, never goes out of style, and I can sometimes encourage the two old slugs who sleep in Eddie and Henry to join in. Choral barking makes it happen!

6. Bouncing! Nothing wakes a sleeping human more immediately than jumping on her! I learned this one from Eddie, who occasionally really does have some good advice.

5. Poking! A good poke in the ribs or the back (or the face) with one’s nails never fails to get results.

4. Pawing! A bit different from poking — gently stroke the human’s face with your paw. Note: The human may have a different idea of what constitutes “gentle” stroking than you do, and may react badly. She’ll still wake up, though, which is really the whole point.

3. Being Extra Smelly! There are a lot of ways to accomplish this one, so choose whatever works for you. Trust me, human noses are horrid and indiscriminate. They can’t tell a cool smell from an even cooler smell, so just stink it up however you like. They may have no taste in odors, but they do respond! Eddie is the master of this one, although this past week Henry put in a good effort.

2. Nibbling! Start with a gentle gnaw on, say, an elbow, or maybe the fingers. If that doesn’t work, try the hair. The nose is the option of last resort (but it is guaranteed to work). See 4 (above) for disagreements re: “gentle”.

1. Licking! I find that giving the human’s foot a thorough licking is both pleasant and effective. I gather, however, that the food lady disagrees with me about the “pleasant” part, which may be why it is effective. Further trials are in order to test this.


About L. M. Bernhardt

For a good long while (15 years or so), I taught philosophy at a little private university in northwest IA, and occasionally branched out into playing music, dabbling in photography, experimenting with food, and writing nonsense on my blog. The philosophy teaching part ended in 2017 (program elimination via prioritization), but never fear! I've just finished my MLIS at San Jose State University, and I'm currently on the market looking for new adventures in either philosophy or LIS. For now, I labor at a fairly interesting administrative job in order to support my dogs in the lavish manner to which they've become accustomed.
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