We, the undersigned, would like to beg you to reconsider some of your primitive religious practices during this fall season.
We understand (well, no, we don’t, really, but we’ll pretend here) that you believe that you must defend yourselves from the Crow Gods. We do not know why you think that your Crow Gods find mangled pumpkins and assorted fake human bones interesting or intimidating, but we do know a few crows, so we can guess that perhaps you imagine they wish for offerings of this kind. We know they’re not picky. They are also kind of tasty (or so we hear). The crows, not your offerings.
If it were only a matter of strange offerings, we would not be writing to you now. The real problem is not your silly hatchet-faced women in funny hats (although they are a problem — seriously, what is it with humans and funny hats?) or your other morbid, inexplicable offerings to appease the wrath of the Crow Gods. No, our problem is with the scarecrows.
What the hell is up with those, humans?
It seems to have escaped your attention, good hominids, that the local crows (servants, we gather, of your Crow Gods) have yet to find any of your weird human effigies in any way off-putting, never mind scary. We can assure you, however, that when one of those wretched things looms up in the darkness unexpectedly and interrupts an early morning walk around the neighborhood, it certainly does disturb dogs.
Scarecrows? Hardly. Scaredogs? Every. Damn. Day.
What did we ever do to you? Why must we be continually victimized by your bizarre insistence on placing weird pseudo-humans (in hats!!!!) all over the place in order to accomplish an end which you must know to be quite impossible? Your Crow Gods (if the behavior of their minions is any indication) are not impressed by your offerings. We, on on the other hand, are terrified for no good reason at all, and are thus prevented from exercising our right to occupy and make use of public space.
This year, we beg you, please, humans: let go of your superstitious belief in the Crow Gods. You will be much happier for it, and so (ultimately) will we.
Henry (Rat Terrier)
Buddy (Decker Rat Terrier)
[Note: Eddie (Jack Russell Terrier) believes that this letter is ridiculous, and does not wish to be associated in any way with its content.]