1:30 AM, almost every morning for the past two weeks
[Buddy, who had been sleeping quietly, curled up on the bed at my feet, suddenly jumps up and starts barking like a lunatic. The other dogs remain asleep. Eddie is snoring loudly.]
ME: [waking up, groggy] What the…?
BUDDY: Can you hear it? Can you hear it!!?!?!?! It’s there again! BAAAAARK!
ME: The only thing I hear is you, loudmouth. It’s 1:30 in the morning. Shut up and go back to sleep.
BUDDY: No. Can’t. Not while that thing is out there! I don’t know why Eddie and Henry hate you so much, but I’m doing my job, lady — the power of my bark is obviously keeping that thing far, far away. I bet it’s going into some other food lady’s house, where the dogs aren’t as smart as I am, and eating everyone there. Ha! They probably don’t even have a dog — just some 5th column of cats. Traitors. [resumes frantic barking]
ME: Um…OK. I think I know what you’re hearing (that little speech gave me time to listen to something other than you). Bud, that’s a train. You’ve heard trains before. They go by all the time. This one’s not even that loud. Why are you freaking out now, when they’ve never bothered you before?
BUDDY: I don’t care what you call that thing. I only know that it is coming, and it is going to eat us. I didn’t know how dangerous it was before, but now I know. Now I know. [More barking. Always more barking.]
ME: Buddy, it can’t even get here. The tracks are at least a half-mile away, and the train can’t leave them. Your barking isn’t accomplishing anything.
BUDDY: Sure, you say that now, but just wait. I’ll stop barking, and we’ll all wake up dead. You can’t trust those things!
ME: Oookaaay. Time for you to go sleep in your crate. In another room.