Me: Buddy, we need to talk about some of your recent behavior.
Buddy: Pretty cool stuff, right? Right?!?!
Me: Um…I’m not sure we’re talking about the same thing. What do you think you did that was cool?
Buddy: Well, let’s see — yesterday, I did that amazing trick with the butter sticks, and this morning I pre-soaked those paper towels for you. Awesomeness is me! Do you happen to have a cookie handy?
Me: [sputtering for a few moments in disbelief] The “trick” with the butter sticks involved you stealing a whole box from the grocery bags, hustling out to the back yard, and eating as much of it as you could before anyone noticed!
Buddy: I know, right? AMAZING!
Me: [sighing heavily]: No! No, “amazing” was not the word I was looking for. And that’s nothing compared to the “pre-soaking” bit. Why on earth did you just walk over and pee on the new package of paper towels?
Buddy: I thought I’d save you some time.