Category Archives: open letter

An Open Letter…

Posted on February 7, 2015 by L. M. Bernhardt

…to the dude who was texting while erratically riding his bicycle (which had no lights or reflectors) in the dim shadows of a poorly-lit parking lot about 30 minutes ago: Rejoice! I have spared your life on this night! May … Continue reading →

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Conversations With Small Dogs: An Open Letter

Posted on September 18, 2014 by L. M. Bernhardt

Dear Humans: We, the undersigned, would like to beg you to reconsider some of your primitive religious practices during this fall season. We understand (well, no, we don’t, really, but we’ll pretend here) that you believe that you must defend … Continue reading →

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An Open Letter to the First Harbinger of Spring

Posted on May 11, 2013 by L. M. Bernhardt

Dear Harbinger: It has been a long and unpleasant winter this year. We’ve seen absurd highs, ridiculously late lows, winter storms with their own names (and, as far as I can tell from the Weather Channel, their own publicists), and … Continue reading →

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An Open Letter In Two Short Acts

Posted on October 15, 2012 by L. M. Bernhardt

Act I — An email from an unknown person to me, discovered in my inbox this morning: Compliment, Your support is needed for the transfer and investment of funds which belongs to my late client who share similar surnames with … Continue reading →

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An Open Letter On The Subject of Names

Posted on September 22, 2012 by L. M. Bernhardt

Dear Authors/Screenwriters/Tale-tellers of All Sorts: I must begin with a confession: I have just met a character named Marmoset, and my life will never again be quite the same. Why, you ask? Why indeed. Consider, dear storyfolk, that there is … Continue reading →

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An Open Letter to, Apparently, Everyone

Posted on April 15, 2012 by L. M. Bernhardt

Damn it! Look, people, I know typographical errors happen. I know that this blog is teeming with them, in spite of my every effort to contain the menace. Typographical errors themselves are not necessarily a cause for alarm, although one … Continue reading →

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Open Letter to An American-Made Wolf Whistler

Posted on November 16, 2011 by L. M. Bernhardt

Dear American-Made Wolf Whistler: Please believe that I do appreciate the novelty of your attention this afternoon. I have been hooted at by wankers of all descriptions, asked impertinent and inappropriate questions, subjected to random and uninvited commentary on my … Continue reading →

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An Open Letter to The Terrierists, Who Have Won

Posted on May 22, 2011 by L. M. Bernhardt

Gentlemen: It is Sunday morning. The Lord’s Day (for those who think so). It is a day of rest. I have finished my grading. The term has ended, students have graduated, and I don’t have anything scheduled for the day … Continue reading →

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An Open Letter to Mr. C. Sebring Poseur-Gangsterlean, Esq.

Posted on May 11, 2011 by L. M. Bernhardt

Good Sir: We appreciate that there are only so many hours in the day, and we appreciate your apparent intention to make an otherwise unproductive commute from Point A to Point B into something useful and interesting. In the interest … Continue reading →

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An Open Letter to BBC America

Posted on April 28, 2011 by L. M. Bernhardt

Dear BeebAm: You know I love you. You know this. I’ve loved you ever since that year I got free digital cable in Rochester, NY as part of a promotional deal for new renters in my apartment complex. I love your … Continue reading →

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